In asking people personal questions, the questions can come across as either considerate and caring, or come across as an interrogation. Tone of voice and body language are vitally important in how personal questions come across.

Think about what you say. Is what you are saying or about to say likely to help the situation or hinder it?

When discussing particular issues, try to deal with one issue at a time. Often many issues will get mixed up together making it largely impossible to see your way through any of them. However if clearly understood and dealt with one at a time, the way forward on at least some of the issues will often become clear.

Try to always have a pleasant manner about you, even if you don’t feel in a good mood. Find a particular pleasing memory or mental image, one that makes you feel good, which you can bring to mind anytime you feel a little down or you have an unpleasant thought. People are more comfortable talking to people who look friendly, and are more open to be positively influenced by them.

Ensure that the environment in which face-to-face communication is to take place or is taking place is not inappropriate. It shouldn’t be too noisy, or have too many distractions, or be such that you can be overhead when you’d rather not.

If you have a particular message to get across ensure it is the right time. If the other person’s mind is on something else, or for whatever reason they are not in a responsive mood, then don’t press it. If you try to communicate at the wrong time they may be dismissive of an idea which at some other time they may have been positively disposed towards. If appropriate ask the other person if it is convenient to discuss a given issue now, or agree some other time.

Be sure that you talk clearly such that the other person can comfortably hear you, neither too loud nor too soft, nor too quickly. Be aware that as people get older their hearing tends to deteriorate, so, albeit without being too obvious, speak slightly louder when talking to older people, though be aware of any signs that indicate you might be talking too loudly.

If you have a strong accent and are talking to people who don’t have the same accent, talk slightly slower and clearer.

Avoid using acronyms unless you are sure the other person or persons will understand them.

Much as you may like to believe otherwise, you don’t know what another person is thinking, any more than they know what you are thinking. If you want to know that the other person is thinking you need to ask them questions, and if you want them to know what you are thinking you need to tell them.

If you want to be effective in face-to-face communications then you need good listening skills. You need to understand what the other person is saying or trying to say.

Effective listening in face-to-face communications requires (1 of 4):

◦ Paying full attention to the other person and giving them your undivided attention. Don’t carry on doing other unrelated things at the same time, and don’t be thinking about what you want to say whilst they are still talking;
◦ Don’t interrupt. Let people finish their sentences;
◦ When the other person stops and you are ready to reply, pause a couple of seconds to give them time to add anything else and to give you time to ensure your own response is appropriate;

Effective listening in face-to-face communications requires (2 of 4):

◦ Don’t let your mind go wandering off onto other topics whilst the other person is talking. If important topics pop into your head, then you might consider stopping the other person for a moment with an apology, write it down, and then return your full attention to them (you might use terminology such as ‘you’ve just given me a thought, can you just give me a moment whilst I make a note so I don’t forget later, thanks for that’ – ie. you are showing you appreciate the fact that they’ve given you a useful thought);

Effective listening in face-to-face communications requires (3 of 4):

◦ Be non-judgmental about what they are saying. Focus on understanding what they are saying, not on whether or not you agree with it or how you feel about it. As soon as you start to listen emotionally you will stop listening effectively;
◦ Ask questions to clarify anything you don’t understand, and also to help direct the conversation in the direction you believe to be appropriate. Good questions enable you to control the direction of a conversation with a minimum of talking yourself;
◦ If what they are saying is complicated try to paraphrase it and play it back to them to give them a chance to determine whether or not you have really understood and potentially explain again or in a different manner;

Effective listening in face-to-face communications requires (4 of 4):

◦ Pay attention to their body language and pick up any additional information about what they are saying or how respond to what is being said. You might well pick up, for example, whether they approve or disprove of statements that they or you are making;
◦ Adopt a listening body language posture. Look like you are paying attention through leaning forward, making a significant amount of eye contact, having an open posture, nodding your head and smiling and responding with short sounds, and generally try to look friendly and pleasant, albeit in a way appropriate to the subject matter of the conversation. Ensure your body is faced towards the person who is talking to you.

Listening is not as easy as it might seem, and many people, most people, usually have other things on their mind whilst they are supposedly listening to someone else. Ensure your mind is solely on the person who is speaking, and if you find your mind wandering immediately bring it back onto the words being spoken.

When talking with other people and they say something you either didn’t quite catch or didn’t understand, but you think might be important, seek clarification. Don’t bluff it. They will assume you understand unless you say otherwise. Many a problem has arisen through misunderstandings that could have been avoided with a little bit of open honesty about not having heard or understood.

Remember that in most circumstances it is of more value to you to understand the other person’s point of view than to give your own. Ask yourself of the circumstances, is it better that you learn something or that they learn something.

Be inquisitive about what someone is saying, be curious. Take an interest and try to learn more through asking questions and generally engaging with them, rather than simply acting as a sponge. Try to find out what is really of interest to the person who is talking to you.

Use ‘I’ statements when the interaction becomes emotional. Rather than talking about ‘You always …’, or ‘You make me …’, talk about ‘I feel … when you …’.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

There is a consistency in how we express ourselves through our body language.. Some of it is universal and some of it is dependent upon our culture. The signals we give off through our body language, and the fact that other people consciously or sub-consciously pick up on these signals, is why this is also termed non-verbal communication. And like any communication the signals we give off can be true and can sometimes be false, and other people can interpret them correctly or can interpret them incorrectly.

When body language contradicts what is being said verbally, it is usually body language that is being more truthful.

People react to your body language, usually sub-consciously. You can change how people instinctively react to you through changing certain aspects of how you hold or move your body.

Most of our non-verbal behavior is automatic. We don’t think about it and usually don’t notice it happening. However we can consciously overcome some of it, or a lot of it, with training and practice. Most people you come across won’t have done so and thus will be ‘honest’ in their body language.

There are many different body language signs and possible interpretations of them. There are many books and websites you can follow up on.

The following are a few body language signals and a likely interpretation (1 of 3):

◦ Puckered or pursed lips is generally a sign of disagreement or thoughts about an alternative to something that has been said.
◦ Signs that frequently indicate someone is feeling uncomfortable and that something is bothering them include arms being crossed in front of them, touching of their neck or throat, rubbing their palms on their legs, rubbing their forehead, touching their cheek, touching their arm or shoulder, adjusting their clothes, and general fidgeting.

The following are a few body language signals and a likely interpretation (2 of 3):

◦ When people hold their arms behind their back they are generally telling others not to get close. People of higher status often do this.
◦ When we are confident we tend to spread out, claiming territory. When we are less confident we close up and claim less space.
◦ People with a high status tend to sit in much more relaxed positions than those with a lower status. People tend to cross their legs when they feel confident. Those in a lower status will usually sit more formally and tend to be more on the edge of their seats;

The following are a few body language signals and a likely interpretation (3 of 3):

◦ People usually lean their bodies towards others when attracted by or agreeing with them, and lean away when repelled or disagreeing. We also open up the front of our bodies when agreeing and close up or put up barriers when disagreeing.
◦ If you looking to join people who are already talking together it is generally obvious whether or not they are welcoming you into their conversation by whether or not their feet move out towards you. If their feet remain fixed pointing at each other then they are not wanting you to join in.

A single act of non-verbal behavior can however be misleading and individual non-verbal signals are at best indicative. Thus people may exhibit particular non-verbal signals for specific reasons relating to the environment they are in, so be aware of context and the potential impact it may be having. For example, someone may have their arms crossed in front of them because they are being defensive, or it might be because they are cold. However whilst a specific non-verbal signal in isolation from others can be very misleading, taking a number of signals together, with them giving a consistent non-verbal message, is likely to be a very powerful indicator.

Dilated pupils is often a sign that someone is attracted or very interested in what they are looking at. Constricted pupils indicate dislike. However bright lights will also make our eyes constrict. As always context is very important.

Non-verbal signs that someone might be feeling uncomfortable or stressed for reasons such as the novelty of the situation or because of something else that is going on in their lives, can be similar or even identical to signs that they may be lying or trying to deceive. You thus need more clues, or to be more familiar with the person’s normal behavior, to distinguish deception from innocent discomfort.

People who are being honest and open will be consistent in the non-verbal messages they are sending out. If the non-verbal signals are inconsistent, then something is not quite right. It might not be dishonesty, but it is something that is making them feel uncomfortable.

Be wary of assuming body language in people from a different culture. This can vary from the fact that some cultures have different norms with regards comfortable distances between people to the fact that in some cultures a nod of the head means no and a shake means yes.

Cultural norms with respect to touching vary significantly. If you are in a different culture or meet people from a different culture, don’t be rash in judging them on the basis of their non-verbal behavior.

If you move to a culture different to the one you have hitherto lived in, learn the basic acceptable norms with regards greetings and how close people stand together. Otherwise people will feel you are either too familiar or too distant.

Clothing influences how we see others and influences how others see us, whether we like it or not. In any formal or semi-formal environment dress appropriately and neatly. Unless people know you well, they will respond to your image and the way you look. They shouldn’t, but they will, because in the absence of knowing you better it is all they have to go on.

Pay attention to your appearance. Be clean and neat. Maybe have something to help you stand out from the crowd, but nothing too obvious or ostentatious.

Pay attention to personal hygiene. Keep your body and hair clean, wash your teeth thoroughly and regularly, ensure you don’t have unpleasant body odor or bad breath – and if you do, do something about it. You will be much more self-confident and relaxed if you are smart and clean.

When preparing for a meeting for which you are responsible, give consideration to the following (1 of 3):

◦ Be clear about the meeting purpose and any outcomes you are seeking. Ensure that having the meeting is the best way of achieving the underlying purpose.
◦ Be clear about who needs to be at the meeting, and that anyone essential for fulfilling the meets purpose will be available.
◦ Ensure you have enough time to cover the topics intended to be covered, having taken account of the potential need for discussion on contentious issues.

When preparing for a meeting for which you are responsible, give consideration to the following (2 of 3):

◦ Ensure the meeting room itself is available and booked and appropriate for the number of people, and that any facilities required such as projection equipment have also been sorted. Make sure any security arrangements such as advance notice of people arriving are addressed.
◦ Identify any information that should be distributed prior to the meeting to optimize the likelihood of achieving the meeting objectives? As a minimum this should include the Agenda and possibly a statement of the meeting purpose.

When preparing for a meeting for which you are responsible, give consideration to the following (3 of 3):

◦ If other attendees will be bringing material to present ensure you have made appropriate arrangements for this. Ideally you should have the material sent to you in advance so you can make it available using the facilities you know will be available. Many a meeting has been significantly disrupted whilst attendees try, and sometimes fail, to get their material ready using the facilities available.

If appropriate prepare the meeting location for the meeting in advance of the start time, including ensuring any computer and projection equipment is set up and working and that any presentation material is ready for presenting.

An important aspect of running effective meetings is to ensure everyone respects the timings. Start the meeting within a few minutes of its advertised start time, and minimize the disruption resulting from latecomers. Ensure the meeting finishes on time, since at least some of the attendees will have made other arrangements based on the timing.

During the course of the meeting: ensure people keep on topic, and if they wander off quickly bring them back; do not let the meeting break up into separate groups of people talking amongst themselves; keep up the pace of the meeting to enable the full agenda to be addressed; be conscious of body language to ensure everyone who wants to contribute gets an opportunity to do so; and summarize the agreements and actions at the end of the meeting with clear identification of who is responsible for what further action. Write up and distribute notes of the meeting shortly afterwards.

Prepare in advance for meetings you need to go to. Ensure you have any material you need with you, and you are clear about what you want to get out of it.

Be punctual for meetings and appointments. If you are know you are going to be unavoidably late let the meeting chairman or organizer know in advance.

Make your contribution to the effective running of the meeting by not distracting the meeting away from its purpose. If a topic is of no interest to you, and you don’t have particular expertise or knowledge to contribute, then you shouldn’t feel the need to contribute.

Don’t multitask during meetings. If you do, you will find you remember very little of what was being discussed.

If a meeting looks like it is going to overrun you are within your right to leave at the time set for its completion, although it may be in your best interest to stay on.

People seriously overestimate their memories. At meetings lots of agreements can get made, understandings arrived at, and actions agreed, but unless there are explicitly written down as an output from the meeting they get forgotten about or people come away with very different recollections. Anything you expect as a follow up from a meeting, get it written down or ask for it to be written down as part of the meetings notes. Do not rely on making a ‘mental note’ – the brain doesn’t work that way.

In the few minutes or so after a meeting go over in your head any key points that you would like to remember in the future, and write them down as a summary. Don’t rely on the meeting notes, unless they are your own, since those producing the notes may not have the same interests as you.

If you receive the notes of a meeting and you believe they are factually inaccurate or have missed important points, then reply to the person responsible for the meeting to say so. Even if they don’t re-issue them you will have your own records you can refer to in the future should the need arise.

Characteristics of an effective meeting are (1 of 4):

◦ All those who are at the meeting have a good reason for being there, and all those who need to be there to achieve the meeting’s purpose are there.
◦ The purpose and objectives of the meeting are understood by all in advance of the meeting.
◦ If the meeting is a sequence of meetings, actions and progress since the previous meeting are adequately covered early during the meeting.

Characteristics of an effective meeting are (2 of 4):

◦ It is clear who is chairing the meeting, and they keep control of the meeting.
◦ All discussions during the meeting are relevant to the meeting’s purpose and objectives, and the meeting does not have different groups of people talking at the same time.
◦ The meeting follows a prearranged agenda and works its way logically through the items, albeit there is flexibility in the light of emergent information or circumstances.

Characteristics of an effective meeting are (3 of 4):

◦ People stick to the Agenda topic under discussion and deal with each topic before moving on to the next topic;
◦ Individuals are allowed to say their piece, assuming it is relevant.
◦ The meeting has time to discuss all the topics on the Agenda, albeit it may set up follow up meetings for items that it becomes clear can’t be covered in the time available.
◦ The meeting does not go on longer than it needs to to achieve its end, and doesn’t go on longer than scheduled.

Characteristics of an effective meeting are (4 of 4):

◦ The need for any follow ups are agreed with clarity of who is responsible for what by when.
◦ It is clear who is responsible for taking notes, and important decisions, agreements and actions are noted down and distributed to all after the meeting.
◦ There is a focus for ensuring actions agreed are followed through, either explicitly by whoever led the meeting or by other means such as a follow up meeting.

Characteristics of an ineffective meeting include (1 of 3):

◦ There are many people at the meeting who have nothing useful to contribute;
◦ The meeting is over-structured, and important issues are not discussed because of inflexibility;
◦ Arguments keep getting repeated, and there is a lot of jumping around between the Agenda items;
◦ Topics which have already been covered and moved on from, are returned to;
◦ Individuals are frequently interrupting each other;

Characteristics of an ineffective meeting include (2 of 3):

◦ Individuals are focused on pushing their own agenda, and not focused on seeking common agreement;
◦ Certain individuals dominate the meeting, whilst others say nothing;
◦ It is not clear what the meeting is trying to achieve;
◦ A lot of time is spent on points not relevant to the purpose of the meeting;

Characteristics of an ineffective meeting include (3 of 3):

◦ Too much time is spent on early Agenda items and later Agenda items that are just as or more important are not discussed at all; ◦ People are expected to stay beyond the end of the scheduled finished time;
◦ People come away from the meeting with very different understandings of what was agreed;
◦ No or ineffective notes are taken, such that agreements or decisions are not followed up, and further meetings are required to go over agreements that had already been made.

Be clear about the purpose of your writing. Is it to clarify and explain ongoing developments, is it to initiate action, is it an audit trail record, is it a product in its own right such as a product description, is it instructions for someone to follow. In some cases it may be more than one of these, but do be wary of having information fulfilling multiple purposes. If you are not clear about the purpose or aim then you risk not achieving any purpose or aim.

Be clear about who the writing is aimed at. What is their existing level of knowledge and therefore what can be left out or referred to, and thus what is the essential information that needs to be included? How should the writing be structured to best convey the information and meet the aims with regards the particular reader or readers?

Structure your writing to make it easy to take in. If you have a lot of information then identify a logical sequencing of sections and sub-sections such that the reader gets ‘chunks’ of information which builds up their understanding and also enables them not to have to read the whole document or report in one sitting. The context of any part of your writing should be immediately obvious from the section or sub-section heading under which it sits.

Keep your writing focused on the achievement of its purpose. When writing at school you were expected to ‘display your knowledge’ in your writing. Writing in a business context is not about you displaying your knowledge. It is about you communicating what needs to be communicated as economically and concisely as possible.

Every paragraph in a piece of writing should have a clear purpose and convey a single idea. If it doesn’t, change it or get rid of it.

Every paragraph should be part of a structured sequencing of ideas linked to the purpose of the sub-sections, sections, and thus the whole document. If paragraphs do not flow naturally one from another then the reader is unlikely to make ready sense of what you have written.

Avoid long and complicated sentences. However ensure there is some variation in your writing. Lots of short sentences can also be distracting.

Use diagrams or pictures where they help convey ideas. Whilst diagrams often take a lot longer to prepare than a paragraph of text, they can get the idea across much more powerfully, particularly if there is also some text to ensure they are not misinterpreted. If you have diagrams or pictures ensure they are clearly labeled and ensure they are clearly put into context by, and referred to from, the main text.

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Advantages of written communications include the fact that it can be edited and revised and shaped to meet the particular needs of the communication. It also provides a permanent record that can be reliably referred to in the future, and one that can be readily replicated. It gives the recipient time to study it and consider an appropriate response. Written communication is usually best for complex messages.

Disadvantages of written communication vis-à-vis verbal communication is the lack of immediate feedback on understanding of the impression created. Verbal communication can be adapted to the particular circumstances, and can respond to uncertainties or questions the recipient may have in order to provide greater information or understanding. Written messages can also take a long time to compose.

Information presented pictorially often influences more than information presented textually. Pictorial items are more immediate and more easily grasped. However pictorial information can also be more ambiguous and there is a risk of people taking away a different message than the one intended. A picture paints a thousand words, unfortunately they may be different words to different people.

The personal touch is important when dealing with personal matters. Don’t e-mail or text a message if your recipient would respond better to a personal phone call or a discussion over coffee. Face to face communication is particularly important if you want to reprimand or criticize someone.

If you are trying to communicate a position to win over other people to your point of view then look to be able to state your position in a single sentence and then present your arguments in order, with the strongest first. Review all your arguments and ensure they are supporting your argument in a way that is relevant to the people you are presenting your argument to. If some of your arguments are complex or at risk of going over their heads then simplify them or don’t use them. Ensure you end your statement of position in a concise and memorable way that summarizes your points.

When giving people instructions to do something, be clear about the following (1 of 3):

◦ What is the output or end point, and how will it be clear that it has been achieved. Is there any specific measure of completeness that must be satisfied?
◦ Are there any particular instructions relating to how the task must be done, such as standards or procedures to be followed?
◦ What are the time expectations? Must it be completed within a given amount of time, or will any time do? Not giving any time expectation risks it being left and not done at all as other priorities will almost certainly always come along;

When giving people instructions to do something, be clear about the following (2 of 3):

◦ Are there any intermediate targets or milestones that need to be completed within a given time? Do you want these to be reported, and if so how?
◦ What level of progress reporting along the way do you want, if any?
◦ Are there any other particular people you want them to involve or keep informed? ;

When giving people instructions to do something, be clear about the following (3 of 3):

◦ Ensure you pass to them any information you have that might be relevant or useful to them, or let them know where to go to find it;
◦ Ask them to come back to you if they are having significant difficulties along the way, or they believe completing the task on time is at risk?
◦ Be clear about circumstances when you would like them to come back to you irrespective of whether or not they think they are having problems.

If a communication is intended to be about something, keep it focused. Don’t clutter it with detail that is not relevant or necessary to the achievement of the communication’s purpose.

Other people can’t read your mind, and it is unreasonable to expect them to pick up nuances in your body language. You must say what it is you want them to know or what you would like them to do. Don’t assume they magically know, no matter how obvious it is to you.

Be conscious of the potential need to give background information and to put things in context. It provides less likelihood of misunderstandings, and makes it more likely people will make effective use of the information. If however it is not needed it makes the communication longer and can hide the message you are trying to get across.

If you either don’t understand something, or recognize you might have misunderstood, then seek clarification.

People understand and respond quicker to positive messages than they do to negative ones. Put your communication in as positive a way as you can. For example, focus on what you can do for someone rather than on what you can’t, or talk of things being a challenge or opportunity rather than a problem.

Analogies provide us with a powerful way of communicating new or novel ideas to others. However they can also be misleading.

With respect to any type of communication, the two periods of greatest attention are at the beginning and at the end. Information presented at the beginning or the end, or both, is more likely to be remembered, more likely to be read, and therefore more likely to influence others, than information presented or communicated in the middle. If you have key messages to get across ensure they are included in the beginning and/or the end. Do not expect people to pick out key points that are hidden away in the middle details of a communication, whether written, spoken, or presented.

Don’t write to someone when you are feeling emotionally charged, or if you do, don’t send it to them until you’ve had time to review it when you are feeling calm. If you’ve written something whilst emotionally charged you may want to get someone else to have a look at it before you send it.

The following is a summary list of skills and attitudes which will support you in being a good communicator (1 of 4):

◦ Be very clear about what the message is that you are trying to communicate;
◦ Ensure that what you are looking to communicate is accurate;
◦ Take responsibility for your messages and whether or not they have been effectively received. Be conscious of the possibility of misunderstandings;
◦ Listen to the other person’s or people’s feedback and body language as a response to your message, being as empathic as you are able, and reflect upon it;

The following is a summary list of skills and attitudes which will support you in being a good communicator (2 of 4):

◦ Try to see things from other people’s point of view. What is likely to be their viewpoint when receiving a given message;
◦ Respond calmly to emotional responses from others;
◦ Repeat your message should you think it might not have been understood, albeit explaining it in a different way that should help with understanding;
◦ Listen to the other person’s viewpoint and seek to ensure you understand it;
◦ Adopt a negotiating, win-win for all, attitude that acknowledges the other party has a view which may be different to your own;

The following is a summary list of skills and attitudes which will support you in being a good communicator (3 of 4):

◦ Encourage the other person to speak more;
◦ Take different opinions as an opportunity not a threat;
◦ Be open minded and acknowledge differences;
◦ Explain objectively, and try not to be judgmental;
◦ Pay attention to any direct feedback;
◦ Be assertive albeit without being opinionated or aggressive;

The following is a summary list of skills and attitudes which will support you in being a good communicator (4 of 4):

◦ Be willing to share your thoughts and emotions, albeit without being over the top;
◦ Address people by their name;
◦ Be as clear and precise as you are able, keeping to the point, and avoiding jargon and use of obscure terms;
◦ Try to provide concrete examples in support of abstract ideas.

Communication is the effective transfer of an idea from one person, the sender, to another, the receiver. A communication can become distorted by (1 of 3):

◦ lack of clarity by the ‘sender’ of what they are trying to communicate;
◦ mistakes or slips of the tongue on the part of the sender;
◦ the sender accidentally leaving information out;
◦ distortions, interference, or noise in the communication medium used to convey the message such that what is transmitted by the sender is not precisely what is received by the receiver;

Communication is the effective transfer of an idea from one person, the sender, to another, the receiver. A communication can become distorted by (2 of 3):

◦ external distractions which mean part of the information is missed by the receiver;
◦ internal distractions which mean the receiver has other thoughts in his or her head and does not pay attention to part of the message;
◦ mishearing on the part of the receiver;

Communication is the effective transfer of an idea from one person, the sender, to another, the receiver. A communication can become distorted by (3 of 3):

◦ use of language or abbreviations on the part of the sender which the receiver does not understand;
◦ misinterpretations on the part of the receiver, for example due to ambiguities;
◦ intellectual biases on the part of the receiver leading to the message being interpreted in a different way to that intended. This could arise for example as a result of cultural differences, or just different backgrounds between sender and receiver.

Other people may not have the same background as ourselves and may not be able to interpret a given piece of information, or worse may have a background which leads to them interpreting information differently to how we implicitly do so. Ensure enough common ground to put given information into context.

Where there are ambiguities people will tend to interpret them in a way that suits themselves often without realizing there was an ambiguity in the first place. We often don’t recognize the ambiguities in our own writing because we know what we mean. Always sit back after you have written something to check for clarity and ambiguities.